The Age 18 List
We’ve all seen the meme and read the quote, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”
And, its counterpart, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”
But, perhaps the Cheshire Cat said it best in Alice in Wonderland:
“Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here? she asked the cat.
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cheshire Cat.
“I don’t much care where,” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
It has been said that more failures in life occur because of a lack of purpose and direction than for any other reason. I believe this to be true. This is true in our jobs and businesses, in our personal and professional goals, in New Year’s resolutions, and—most importantly—in our families. As parents of young children, we have all likely found ourselves at one point or another “playing it by ear” or “winging it.” We have all encountered situations with our kids where we think, I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do here. In those moments, we generally default to parenting the way we were parented. If we have biblically grounded perspectives and a sanctified sense, a “feels right” approach may be enough to carry us through. But what if we approached our families the way we approach every other meaningful goal—by beginning with the end in mind? It would be the difference between parenting on the front foot, acting with purpose and intention, and parenting on the back foot, merely reacting as situations arise.
Years ago, before our first daughter was born, a mentor told me about The Age Eighteen List. It is a simple exercise in which you sit down with your spouse and imagine the character qualities, skills, values, and behaviors you hope to cultivate in your child’s life before he leaves home—presumably around age 18. You create categories such as spirituality, money, health, skills, biblical literacy, relationships, and self-image, then list the qualities you want your child to embody in each of those areas by that age. The Age Eighteen List does not take long to complete, but it has proven to be one of the most productive and clarifying parenting exercises we have ever done.
Sometime around the start of each new year, my wife and I have a tradition of sitting down together (without the kids) to think and pray about our family and to revisit our Age 18 Lists. This year, we were able to make time just after Christmas. As we looked at the list we made eight years ago for our oldest daughter, it was encouraging to see areas where progress is being made, as well as those areas that need more attention in 2026. Best of all, it was like starting the year with a compass in hand—knowing where we’re going, what we’re saying yes to, what we’re saying no to, and why.
If your desire is to raise children who love and serve Jesus, that aim necessarily shapes both daily decisions and long-term priorities. The same is true of every goal we hold for our children. As the saying goes, “If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.”
The concept comes from a book called The New Discipleship in the Home by Dr. Matt Friedeman. If you like the idea of The Age 18 List and want more practical resources and tips, pick up a copy here.
Blessings to your family in 2026!
Toward a life lived in Christ,
Chris Breiland, Head of School