Claiming Your Family Identity
Does your child know what it means to be a member of your family?
If someone asked your child, “What does your family stand for?” or “What does it mean to be a Smith, a Jones, a [insert last name here]?” What would they say?
Every family has an identity, whether they have explicitly defined it or not. The things we value, the way we spend our time, the habits we practice, where we spend our money, the things we celebrate, the things we say “yes” to, and the things we say “no” to all begin to answer the question, “What kind of family are we?”
Near the end of his life, Joshua gathered the people of Israel and called them to decide what kind of families they would be. His own family’s identity was already established:
“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” - Joshua 24:15
That is a statement of family identity. It’s a line in the sand. It’s a boundary not to be crossed. To belong to the house of Joshua, son of Nun, meant following the Lord.
So how do we claim a family identity?
Family Yeses and Nos
Children thrive when there are clear boundaries in place (actually, so do adults). Boundaries help us understand what is expected of us and where we are free to move.
Families need boundaries, too. We need some things to which we have intentionally decided to say “yes” and others to which we have already decided to say “no.”
This is because every “yes” is also a “no.” Our time, attention, money, and energy are limited resources. When we say yes to a thing, we are necessarily giving up something else. A yes to Sunday worship may require a no to an activity that regularly conflicts with it. A yes to family dinner may require a no to an overly busy schedule. A yes to reading may require a no to another hour in front of a screen.
And the reverse is also true: a well-placed “no” makes room for a better “yes.” Keep in mind that saying no to something isn't always about believing it’s bad. The real challenge we face as parents in 2026 is having to say no to an abundance of good things and good opportunities. Saying no is simply a way of protecting something we have decided matters more.
Over time, these yeses and nos become part of our family identity. They teach our children: This is what matters to us. This is what we protect. This is who we are.
Family Habits and Rituals
If our yeses and nos establish the boundaries of our family identity, then our habits and rituals give it shape.
Family habits are the ordinary things we do daily and weekly: worshiping together at church, reading Scripture, praying and singing hymns before bed, doing chores, eating family dinner, reading good books, and making time for conversation. We are the sum total of our habits. While these practices may seem small, their repetition quietly teaches our children, “This is what our family does.”
Rituals mark the seasons and milestones of family life. Birthdays and holidays, feasts and fasts, baptism and confirmation, an annual camping trip, a rite of passage, a father-son or mother-daughter project, or the passing down of a family heirloom all communicate to our children what we value.
We tend to think our children are formed primarily by what we tell them, but more is caught than taught. Their formation happens through what we repeatedly do with them. Our habits and rituals turn the things we say we value into a way of life.
Family Aphorisms
Finally, put words to your family identity.
Aphorisms are short, memorable sayings that capture something your family believes or values. When repeated over and over again, they become part of the language of your home and eventually part of the way your children understand themselves.
In the Breiland family, we have a number of aphorisms we say:
I say, “Obey.” Children respond, “All the way, right away, with a happy heart.”
“Breilands are moral leaders.”
“Breilands do hard things.”
“Breilands are blessed to be a blessing.”
“Breilands are on a great adventure for God.”
“Love goes first.”
Yes, it does feel a bit much to tell my four-year-old, “Breilands are moral leaders,” before dropping him off at preschool. But, I want him to know from a very young age that our family has high expectations for his behavior. We say “Breilands are blessed to be a blessing” and “Breilands are on a great adventure for God” because we want our children to grow up knowing their lives are not their own—they are lived for God and neighbor.
And yes, over time, your children may occasionally roll their eyes when they hear you say, “We are blessed to be a blessing,” for the thousandth time. But that’s how you know it’s sticking. Aphorisms give children a vocabulary for answering the question we started with: What does it mean to be a member of our family?
Toward a life lived in Christ,
Chris Breiland, Head of School